Ask Uncle Emmett
by bhefoWEFefWEF
Summary: Emmetts advice isn't always reliable, but hey, it really opens your eyes and is sure it funny!
1. Chapter 1

**A new story from your favourite (pfffft) author... ME! :D **

**Biiiiiiiiiiiig thanks to my buddy YezzerBezzers who helped me figure out how I'm going to write this and her continuous support with **_**all **_**my stories. Thanking you (: (I only used a few lines from your example for pm-ed me) BTW credit to Yezzer for first question. People gotta send me in some Qs okay?**

It was a reasonably normal night for Emmett Cullen.

Playing 'Call of Duty' with his brother Jasper, and winning. Gloating about his skill, and enraging Jasper.

Being beaten by Emmett seven times in one night was enough to send Jasper storming out of the room after smashing the controller on the ground in anger.

And having your soul mate retreat from his hijinks with Emmett in frustration was enough for Alice to follow him. Since now, Jasper is far away from home.

Alice probably saw this coming, but she felt he needed some time away from Emmett and spend more time with her, even if it meant destroying Jasper and Emmett's moods.

Emmett sighed quietly to himself, annoyed, knowing that there was no-one else to for him to play with.

Resnesmee is always off with Jacob. Edward with Bella. Carlisle at the hospital, working at the time consuming job he loved so much. Esme was always cooking, cleaning or gardening. Rosalie was always looking at herself in the mirror and trying to make herself even more pretty than she already is.

Emmett would rather check the computer for any e-mails. Call of Duty can wait until tomorrow; Jasper will cheer up eventually and demand a rematch, as always.

He's always pleased with what he gives to the needy women who ask him for help. It's pleasing. But there may have been a mishap at least once, or twice. Taking it a little too far on his reply. He didn't mean to offend her. He was only telling the truth. Then again... the truth hurts like a **. He still doesn't blame himself, just the lady coming in with a stupid question.

Emmett taps his fingers impatiently as he waits for the computer to start up.

He jumps a few centimetres off his chair at the usual sound of the computer telling him he has mail. He looks around, looking to see if anyone noticed his blunder. Of course, they did. But this was a nightly occurrence so his family has grown accustomed to Emmett's idiotic actions.

Emmett pushed his horn-rimmed glasses up his nose with the same finger he uses to flip off all the men who check out Rosalie.

He read his first, and only, e-mail.

_Dear Uncle Emmett,_

I'm having some troubles with my boyfriend.

You see, he works very late at night, and sometimes it worries me. The time changes once he is out "working".

Like, one night he'll be home around ten o' clock, and the next day he'll be home around twelve!

He even stumbles into the bedroom, sometimes. I did the laundry the other day, and I saw lip-stick smeared across his shirt.. from the inside. I figured that maybe some slut hit on him and kissed him and then he hid the "evidence" by wiping it from his shirt. Though, I don't see why he wouldn't tell me?

Why do all men try to hide things? Was HE worried?

I want to think that he's being faithful, but I did smell some other girls perfume all over him.

I don't know, but my question is:

Is my boyfriend possibly cheating on me?

Signed,

A very worried gal

_Dear a very worried gal_

_To answer your question, yes. _

_Your boyfriend is possibly cheating on you. POSSIBLY._

_But what you do about it is up to you. But this is an advice service, so I'll give you my honest advice._

_I know the truth hurts like a punch in the gonzalas, but the truth is the truth and the truth is always truly truthful._

_If you want to stay with your boyfriend, believe this:_

_Your boyfriend likes to dress up as a woman. Yeah, you read it. No, the spellchecker didn't screw up my e-mail._

_Any old advice service would just tell you that your boyfriend is being unfaithful, but being the creative, fast-thinking man I am, I use my noggin and uncover the true truth that most people don't think about ;)_

_This explains the lipstick and perfume. The lateness and drunkenness? You haven't been to a transvestite party have you?_

_I think it's obvious why he didn't tell you. I can just see your jaw dropping to the ground and your eyes popping out of your head, like Tom when Jerry manages to escape from his furry clutches for the one millionth time, failing just like plankton in stealing the krabby patty formula._

_So weigh the pros and cons of having a boyfriend that likes to dress up as a girl._

_Cons:_

_It is kind of DISCUSTING._

_You won't be invited to his transvestite parties unless you dress as a man, and shove socks down your underpants just like he shoves socks in his bra (which by the way, he borrowed from you)_

_He may have more girlfriends than you._

_Dare I say it; he may even be prettier than you._

_Pros:_

_He has GREAT taste in handbags, purse, jewellery, clothes. So you will get wicked presents._

_Someone to go shopping with, without constant whining._

_When you move in together, he will totally agree that the peach wallpaper goes with the beige couch and cream carpet._

_He's much tidier than a normal dude, trust me._

_He won't complain that eating your pink cupcakes will destroy his manhood, which was destroyed the second he put cherry lip gloss onto his lips because they were chapped._

_He will give the BEST makeovers. Trust me, I know._

_Hey, look at that! More pros than cons! _

_Talk to him about it. And if you accept his lifestyle, live a happy life with him in a modern mansion with your three future kids, Cinnamon, Paris and Destiny. (I dibs god-father)_

_Okay, now that will be $100. I kid, I kid. No seriously._

_Gimme my money,_

_Uncle Emmett._

**Who loves reviews? I DO! I DO! Writing this story would be so much easier if you wonderful reviewers could send Uncle Emmett some questions to answer so I don't have to come up with them myself. (They can be about ANYTHING. Problems, facts, advice, Emmett's favourite food? ANYTHING.)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for all the reviews! **

**Credit goes to Twilight-vamp-sis for the first question and Lovably17 for the second.**

The night was slow for young, yet old Emmett.

Nothing he did seemed to fully entertain him.

He tried helping Esme in the kitchen, but got kicked out after breaking some of her antique china and saying that they were "Really frigging old." And that she can use this as an excuse to buy non-old plates.

He tried playing xBox with Jasper again, but Jasper was still not over being badly beaten by an idiot the previous night.

He tried joining in with Resnesmee and Jacob as they jumped on the trampoline, but after making puns about fleas, collars and dog food to Jacob he almost got assaulted but managed to escape just in time.

He looked for Alice, but Alice 'saw' him coming and hid, for good reason.

Emmett would never steep so low as hanging out with Edward and he couldn't hang out with Bella because she's always clinging needy as can be to Edwards arm. Not that Emmett didn't like Bella, he just thought she needed to think, act and speak for herself, like him.

But look at the trouble Emmett gets into for being 'independent'

Emmett decided to leave Rosalie gushing over her pointless magazines, to check his e-mails and to his surprise he had _two _e-mails for Uncle Emmett.

_Dear Uncle Emmett,_

My boyfriend recently moved away for college. At first it was fine we would talk daily and text constantly, but as of last week the calls have been less and I'm worry our relationship isn't going to make the long distance. Should I just think he's busy with school or could it be something else? I could really use your advice

- Confused Gal :/ 

_Dear Confused Gal_

_Heyyyy I know what your boyfriends up to._

_It's super secret guy stuff._

_Can't tell you sorry. _

…_._

_OKAY OKAY STOP BUGGING ME I'LL TELL YOU. (See what I did there? I pretended that you were nagging me but you really weren't (it makes me seem popular :D), oh yeah I'm a clever cookie.)_

_Well my theory is that when guys move away from their gals (depending if he's a awesome guy or a homohumper (in this case your boyfriends awesome)) is that all they think about is their loveeeeely lady. _

_So if he's thinking about you all the time he's busy thinking of ways to get to see you, in the flesh I mean, not Skype or some shit like that._

_And if he is half the stunning, great, wicked, intelligent, mean, awesome, cool, wonderful, funny, smart, sweet, charming, buff, cute, hot, handsome, brilliant, super, mega sexy, beautiful, kind, caring man I am (And yes Rose is laughing over my shoulder right now, she must be blind, deaf, nose-less, handless, mouth-less and brainless to laugh.) he would have come up with a brilliant plan._

_If he had a mind like me, he would be far too busy to talk to you, because all his time is being devoted to inventing, building and figuring-out-how-to-work-the-darn-thing, A TELEPORTER._

_Yeah that's right. Most people are too mindless to think of it but Gandalf (your boyfriends new name) and I are oh so smart._

_So if he's not talking to you be patient. It takes hard work and time to build a teleporter. _

_Just sit back and watch your reruns of Bridezilla and wait for the 'PZZZZAP' of the teleporter teleporting Gandalf whack bam on top of your TV, breaking it. But you won't care because Bridezilla sucks and with all the money Gandalf will be making you will be showered with TVs, pianos, hats, killer rabid rabbits and pens of several colours (red, blue, black, green, purple and if you're lucky, gold.) In that order too._

_Your big buddy,_

_Emmett._

Emmett smiled at himself, content with his wonderful insight. He proceeded to the next e-mail.

_Dear Uncle Emmett,_

_What came first the chicken, or the egg?_

_-lovably17_

_Dear lovably17_

_Oh, that's easy, the chicken._

_But wait how would the chicken get there without the egg?_

_But how would the egg get there without the chicken?_

_But wait how would the chicken get there without the egg?_

_But how would the egg get there without the chicken?_

_But wait how would the chicken get there without the egg?_

_But how would the egg get there without the chicken?_

_But wait how would the chicken get there without the egg?_

_But how would the egg get there without the chicken?_

_I don't know…_

_I'm confuzzled,_

_Uncle Emmett._

Emmett stared at the screen blankly, unable to believe himself.

For the first time in Emmett's lifetime he has been unable to answer a question.

He felt ashamed and vulnerable.

Emmett ignored the seductive whispers of Rosalie. If vampires were able to cry, he would be balling his eyes out.

**LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE LOVABLY17!** **D: I kid, I kid.**

**Guys you**_** need **_**to send in more questions for your dear uncle Emmett.**


	3. Chapter 3

Emmett's day was exciting.

A trip to the local circus had Emmett in hysterics. That was, until the clown came and Emmett squealed earning a lot of laughing and pointing.

A regular vist from Jacob also provided some entertainment for Emmett as he watched Rosalie and Jacob make endless blond and dog jokes.

Jasper's determination in a rematch of Call of Duty did not prevail and once again Emmett was cheering loudly in Jaspers defeated face.

Carlisle didn't know whether to tell Emmett to stop before Jasper cries or continue to laugh at Emmett's shameless victory dance.

Alice, instead of following Jasper, had a vision that an evil little human had stolen her name and she was to get information through Emmett's advice system.

She pushed him towards the computer and laughed when the rolly chair magically ran away from Emmett, resulting with Emmett's butt planted firmly on the ground.

After retrieving another chair Emmett and Alice logged in and started to read Emmett's e-mails, ignoring the pop-ups and the junk e-mail from Disney channel.

_Dear Uncle Emmett,_

_Why does Donald Duck wear a towel over his butt when he gets out of the shower but he never even wears pants?_

Who said "The first thing that comes out of that chickens but I'm going to eat."?

Buzz Lightning from Toy Story doesnt know he's a toy in the beggining. Then why does he freez when Andy comes?

_-The Alice Cullen_

_Dear The Alice Cullen_

_Don't lie you're not the Alice Cullen. She's right next to me._

_Q.1 He does wear pants, they're invisible._

_Q.2 Doe's that even make sense? It doesn't to me. So it must be wrong because, I am in fact the smartest ever thing that has ever existed on planet earth. But if you need a answer to who said that stupid thing, its got to be someone stupid right? _

_So Edward said it._

_Q.3 It's toy instinct. Even if you don't realise you're a toy its instinct. You gettit?  
Like when I first got changed into a vampire, I didn't know I was a vampire then I went RAWWWWR and sucked some blood._

_I'm super smart,_

_Uncle Emmett_

_P.S Alice says she sees herself murdering you for stealing her name. Run._

Emmett giggled as Alice raced out of the room desperate to find the 'bitch' who stole her name.

He moved on to his next e-mail.

_Dear Uncle Emmett,_

I'm trying to write a book but I keep getting distracted. I have good ideas but I'm ADHD and I don't focus well. I really need to write, because it's my career choice and I love it, what's a way to motivate myself. Please help.

By the way- you would like my brother; He's obsessed with Xbox and Call of duty.

Much Love, Tell Rose she's beautiful

From, Princesswriter12345

_Dear Princesswriter12345_

_CHOOSE A DIFFERENT CAREER CHOICE!_

_I kid, I kid._

_It's great you want to write._

_I, also, have focus probl- OH A SQUIRREL!_

_What were we talking about?_

_Oh,yeah._

_It's okay to have focus problems, it's not uncommon._

_There are a few ways to motivate yourself:_

_Give yourself a treat when you succeed in something._

_For me it would be a big jug of steaming blood but for you, probably chocolate or something along those lines._

_So when you finish a chapter give yourself a lolly._

_But this also needs alot of self control to not just eat the lollies when you haven't even finshed a chapter._

_Make yourself believe that if you succeed something good will happen._

_e.g "If I finish this chapter Billy, the sexy guy from camp coolness, will fall in love with me, asking me to be his girlfriend._

_e.g "If I finish this chapter I'll be labelled awesome for the rest of my life, no matter what I do._

_This helps, as long as you aren't the 'glass-half-empty' kind of person, where you see everything in a bad perspective._

_My personal favourite:_

_HAVE YOUR OWN CHEERLEADING SQUAD._

_When I need to be motivated I get a bunch of hot girls (you can get hot guys) to sing:_

_EMMETT, EMMETT_

_HE'S OUR MAN_

_IF HE CAN'T DO IT NO-ONE CAN._

_EMMETT, EMMETT_

_YOU THE BEST_

_YOU'RE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE REST!  
_

_E. M. M. E. T. T_

_WHAT DOES THAT SPELL?  
EMMMMMEEEEEEETTTTTT!_

_It's good, you should try it._

_All the best,_

_(The super sexy) Uncle Emmett._

Emmett sat and thought about that fateful day when he brought his own cheerleading squad,

Rosalie was piiiiiiiiisssssed.

_Dear Uncle Emmett,_

_Why is the sky blue?_

_-Duckvader23_

_Dear Duckvader23_

_It used to be green but when Jesus moved in 'upstairs' he demanded God to renovate his home (the sky) to blue, seeing as how it's his favourite colour._

_Happy to enlighten,_

_Uncle Emmett_

Emmett laughed at the mere mortals that didn't even know why the sky was blue; after all it is common knowledge, right?

**People may be thinking: Why did Emmett revel the secret of vampires? **

**Well, Emmett's fans assume it's a joke, so take no notice.**

**REVIEW, you know you want to.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you guys so much for your reviews! I especially love those who love me enough to send a PM asking for more. Even though it was only about 3 of you (okay it was more like 2. OKAY OKAY it was one person! One fantastical person whom I love!) It still made me feel really good about myself and my writing. Sorry it took so long to get this chappy up. Its holidays. I'm lazy. I like sleep. Thanks for sending in more questions, and keep 'em coming.**

Emmett couldn't stand it anymore, everyone blamed him for everything.

If somehow egg whites and flour found its way into Alice's closet and managed to find their way into the shoe compartment how was that instantly Emmett's fault?

If someone built a tower of pizza sticks in Esme's beloved kitchen, that she only used for preparing meals for dear little Resnesmee, and if those pizza sticks happened to fall into odd places, like down the side of the stove, and if they were left their to rot for ages only for Esme to find them, covered in mould and dog hair (Jacob) how was that automatically Emmett's fault?

If someone swapped around medications in Carlisle doctor thingy, causing people who need relief from pain to laugh like a chipmunk uncontrollably how was that Emmett's fault?

If someone wrote 'EMO' all over every single one of Jasper's possessions how was that suddenly Emmett's fault.

If someone explained to Resnesmee that it was a classic pin through the rubber trick that brought her into this world how was the Emmett's fault.

Emmett looked past the fact that he actually did do those things. It was the lack of trust in him that made them think that every time something happened it was Emmett's fault.

Emmett decided to check his e-mails and he found many new messages from people who he felt actually loved him.

_Dear Uncle Emmett,_

Why are you called UNCLE Emmett? Are you really an Uncle? Are you old enough to be an Uncle? WILL YOU MARRY ME!

-Alexa573

_Dear Alexa573_

_What is the meaning of life? Why do pancakes smell so good? Why is Edward so feminine?_

_These, along with why I am called 'uncle' Emmett, are questions that may have an answer, somewhere in the depths of HELL, but you'd rather not know._

_Yes I am really an uncle. *cough-Nessie-cough*_

_I would marry you but the results would be horrific. Why? Rosalie._

_You'd end up hospitalised which severe blows to the chest, your own head up your a** and EXTREME loss of blood. You may be thinking "I don't mind being in hospital, Captain Carlisle can look after me. *Swoon*" But no, he will be far too busy trying to find my genitals in a swampy lake after Rosalie stole Esme's butcher knife and got me 'spade'._

_Rosalie's scary,_

_Uncle Emmett._

Emmett glanced over his shoulder to make sure a devilish Rosalie wasn't standing there reading his response and planning a tactic to rip Emmett's head off.

Don't get Emmett wrong, he loves Rosalie, more than anything else in the world. But have you seen her angry?

_Dear Uncle Emmett,_

Is "Rose" REALLY a blond? Do you think she is one? What "guy secrets" do you not tell Rose? I know you have guy secrets. How do I know? Maybe I'm physic.

-Alexa573

_Dear Alexa573_

_Psssssssssh, Rosalie? A real blond? Not in this world. If Rose was a real blond, what a screwed up couple her and I would be! I mean common I'm a total pineapple lump (Dark haired on the outside, blond on the inside.) If Rosalie was a real cabbage blond all we would do all day is try figure out why the world is upright not downright and why Edward's so feminine. ;)_

_You want guy secrets huh? WELL YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH._

_Okay, okay. Oh stop it you're making me blush. OH STOP IT! You've seduced me into telling you the deepest darkest secrets of guys._

_Guys cry:_

_Yep it's true. I mean I don't! Of course! I'm a manly man. But I'm talking your average Joe. Your Mike Newton. Your Eric Yorkie. Your Edward. Your Jasper. Soppy movies hit us as hard as they hit chicks. I mean common! We do have feelings too we just have to live up to our reputation of being tough and being protectors for the women. But hey when he says 'Yeah, yeah I'm good. J-just got something in my eye.' Give him a hug, it's what he wants._

_Inventing words is a skill to us:_

_When milli-vinilli came and smashed into the charts with their shit songs it started an era. Even though they only lasted a milli-vinlli second in the limelight it caused all the guys around they word putting to words together to make a mega word. For instance, Confuzzling. Confusing and puzziling together! Thats my handiwork right there. I created that. Too bad I didn't put a copyright on it, it's all the 'rage'._

_We love 'Getting busy':_

_You know what I mean *wink wink* *waggled eyebrows* But, hey, it's not really a secret._

_Love is a big word:_

_Saying 'I love you' is one of the hardest things men face. We don't just toss it around like it has the same meaning of promising to do the dishes while Mums gone out, then you hear the car pull up the drive and use ninja skills around the kitchen. But when he finally says I love you, he means it._

_We listen:_

_Wow I know. What a shocker. We actually do take in everything you ladys say. "Does my butt look big in this." "No babe." "Did you see her face?" "Yes babe." "Omg Krissy kissed Jack!" "That's nice babe." You may think it's just an automatic response we use when we're not listening. We are listening, we just don't care._

_Lesbians are hot. Gays are not:_

_It's wrong, just wrong._

_Don't tell anyone,_

_Uncle Emmett._

Emmett felt relief as he let his 'guy secrets' out.

He quickly scanned over the next question and sighed.

Alice appeared at his side, knowing that he was about to call her.

_Dear Uncle Emmett,_

I was really curious is Alice liked Besty johnson or Juicy coture more? (I prefer Besty Johnson because they don't test on animals as where Juicy coture does)

Talk to you later, Oh and you are totally awesome because your crazy funny.

A.M.T

_Dear A.M.T_

_Hi there A.M.T, Alice Cullen here! _

_Emmett is far too fashionally disabled to answer this question. Even if I sat there and told him what to write he'll drool. Boys don't listen do they!_

_I have to agree with you though, animal testing is bad. It's not fair on the poor creatures. So I, myself prefer Besty Johnson. Though both have very nice clothes! I need to go shopping now because SOMEONE put eye whites and flour in my closet. Stupid Emmett. _

_Sorry it was a quick response, I have a mega craving for the mall._

_Much love,_

_Alice._

Alice catapulted herself towards Jasper. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." He screamed running out the door.

Alice 'humpfed' she'd have to find someone else to take shopping!

**Did you like it? Want me to continue? Well send in your questions for your favourite uncle, Emmett! There is no quota on how many you can send, in fact the more the better! ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOMORROW :D YAYA.**

***EMMETT IS NOT HOMOPHOBIC, NEITHER AM I. It's just a joke, no offence intended.**

***Don't worry, I also do not know what milli-vinilli is, I heard it on a comedy thing.**

***Sorry for any typos, it's almost dinner and I wanted to get this up.**


	5. Chapter 5

**OMG GUYS! MY MUM GAVE ME THE COOLEST BIRTHDAY CARD! On the front its Edward saying "I know what you're thinking about—your birthday. There are others thinking about it too." Then you flip and it's Alice saying "I can see you're going to have a wonderful day!" Then flip, it's Jasper saying "I can feel the excitement in the air…" Then flip its Emmett: "I'm not gonna let anything stop you from having a great time." Then flip, Rosalie: "Go ahead and have a good birthday, I guess. I suppose it's a big deal… for a human." **

**I totally LOL'd. My Mums judging my taste by the posters on my wall, because I'm not one of those fan girls that does not stop blabbing about twilight! But Mum got it right I love it! Jasper looks totally sexy.**

**Anyway enjoy. (Sorry for long A/N I just HAD to tell you!)**

School never fails to amuse Emmett, no matter how many times he repeats it.

He always manages to find things to entertain himself.

Like that time he told the school counselor that Jasper was contemplating suicide. So the counselor got really worried when she failed to get anything out of Jasper so she called a service and these people came to talk to the whole school about the joys of life but the whole time they kept looking at Jasper.

Or like the time in gym when someone came in with a note for the Coach and he had to got out for a minute and while he was gone Emmett put super glue in his special shoes that he wears on the court. He got detention for that.

But when he was in detention he managed to, somehow, make the teacher break down and cry and confess to all the 'hooligans' in detention that she thinks she's a lesbian and that she likes to dress up as men and that last parent teacher interviews she made babies with the married Mr. Banner in the janitors closet.

But there was one class that was too extremely boring to make it fun. History. So this history lesson, while Ms. Gouch was blabbing about some ass called Hitler Emmett logged on to his iPhone under his desk and replied to all his fan that were constantly sending in awesome questions for him, he hoped they never stopped.

_Dear Uncle Emmett ___

Why are all teenagers crazy? What is their problem?

Thanks,

Eurica Cullen

_Dear Eurica Cullen_

_Depends what kind of crazy you're talking about. If you're talking about just a general insane crazy then it's probably just the teenagers you've met. But I think you're talking about the annoying -always hungry- moody – bossy- emotional crazy then the answers simple._

_Puberty._

_I mean I'm not one to talk. I was twenty when I was changed and if you've had those awkward "Changing body" subjects in class then you'll know that guys go through puberty for longer. But that was seventy-five years ago, and my frozen body hasn't been "changing". I'm still always hungry, just in a different way. But that might be because I'm a vampire, or because I'm a guy…._

_The whole emotional/moody part really didn't affect me as most teenagers. *cough-Edward and Jasper- cough* Ha that was a strange cough; it even typed itself as it came. I mean seriously! Edward and Jazz are stuck as moody teenagers forever and I have to live with them! I could tell you story's about the moody Edward and Jasper, I tell you! But I won't, It's a for another day, another question._

_I hope this answered your question and if it didn't: re-ask with more detail!_

_Stay gold Pony-boy,_

_Uncle Emmett._

_Dear Uncle Emmett,___

I love the twilight saga, cant get it out of my head! What can i do to get my mind off it! lol I just saw eclipse, Awesomeness! Please I'm addicted!

Love, 

_Angelcloud (MadisonTb)_

_Dear Angelcloud_

_Huh what are you talking about?_

_What's this "Twilight Saga." That is invading your mind?_

_But if you want to get something off your mind do the old Alice trick when she's hiding something from Edward that would make him go all rage or all emo; recite random things in your head. I suppose you don't know Japanese so you can't recite the instructions on how to build a table, can you? So just reite something that would keep your mind occupied. _

_Or, alternatively, just let it take over your mind. When all this hype over the "Twilight Saga" is over, you'll soon get bored with it._

_Catcha,_

_Uncle Emmett._

___Dear Uncle Emmett,___

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for over a year now and I love him to bits, probably as much as you love Rose but I have a problem...I'm in love with his best mate (who just so happens to be a girl). I don't know what to do. Who should I stay with, my boyfriend or his best friend?

-Bi Bi Girl (save a whale ride a hale)

_Dear Bi Bi Girl_

_Ohlalala! I just love a bit of girl on girl action! _

_I like how you judge on personality and it doesn't matter what gender they are, it's good._

_Pros and Cons time I think! My favorite problem solving solution._

_Okay, staying with your boyfriend: Pros:_

_You can have babies!_

_Abs looks hot on guys, not so much on girls._

_When you kiss you don't have all this long hair flopping in your face._

_He's a nice guy, anit he?_

_It would be the best option if your parents are homophobic._

_He can protect you._

_Cons:_

_He's STANKY._

_He burps and farts and is just in general gross._

_He has his really obnoxious moments._

_He won't want to go shopping with you._

_He has really bad taste is all thing fashion._

_Hooking up with the girl: Pros:_

_She has really soft lips, skin and hair. _

_She DOES have good taste in all things fashion._

_You can share clothes and make up._

_Won't mind watching that chick flick you got out the other day that your boyfriend reused to watch and would rather watch "Die Hard With Avengace." _

_She does know how you feel._

_She'd feel way less awkward and wouldn't complain as much if you asked her to pick up some… urg… tampons._

_Cons:_

_Mummy and Daddy may not be very happy._

_Guys will totally look at you different; it's a creepy, omg-lezzys look._

_There are not many lesbians and bi's so when you do find fellow chick on chicks they'd be ALLLL OVER YA._

_You can't have babies. You can only adopt, and then your baby looks NOTHING like you!_

_I might be looking in your girls window at night because I mean DAMN who doesn't love lesbians?_

_Huh, look at that the same amount of pros and cons. Just flip a coin._

_P.S You can NOT possibly love him as much as I love Rosy baby._

_I love Rose,_

_Uncle Emmett._

_Dear Uncle Emmett,_

_Why is Rosalie so mean?_

_From,_

_-Duckvader23_

_Dear Duckvader23_

_Because… she has to deal with me :D_

_Peace out yo',_

_Uncle Emmett._

Emmett happily pushed himself away from the computer chair only to narrowly miss Rosalie.

"So true." She mumbled shaking her head and walking away.

Emmett called desperately after her. "What? I WAS KIDDING!"

**REVIEW WITH YOUR QUESTIONS!**

***Angelcloud, Emmett lives in the Twilight Saga, there is no Twilight Saga in the Twilight Saga.**


	6. Chapter 6

Emmett's kind, vampires were meant to hate werewolves.

But Emmett can bare the stench enough to hang out with the few wolfs that hang around his house.

Rose and Jacob seem to be having a war going on about dogs and blondes and Emmett can't help but admit that Jacob has some awesome blonde jokes, he even shared a few with him because the look on Rose's face was priceless.

Emmett and his favorite wolf friend, Embry, loved to annoy the hell out of Edward with extremely annoying thoughts.

Embry and Emmett also loved pissing off Paul, because it was something Emmett could actually win (apart from Call of Duty) because Paul was so easily annoyed!

Embry even took Emmett cliff diving, but was really embarrassed when a high pitch scream escaped from is mouth, everyone laughed… Emmett hid for hours.

Bella was also easily annoyed, all you had to do was a crack a joke about her… active sex life, or take Nessie out and create a mudslide in Esme's flower bed. Two bird with one stone…

_Dear Uncle Emmett,___

My parents are always telling me I got adopted into the wrong family, which kind of makes me sad being that I as adopted at two weeks old, What can I do to make the sad feeling go away?

~M

_Dear M_

_WHAT THE HELL? What kind of people are they?_

_Seriously being adopted would make me sad enough, but them telling you you are in the wrong family grinds my gears!_

_These people are mean. If they don't want you they don't deserve you! So RUN AWAY. RUN AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK!_

_No I kid, I kid. Police get involved with that shit._

_You shouldn't be sad about this, these people don't deserve you babe. You're a gem; they can shove it up where the sun doesn't make me sparkle._

_Chocolate cheers you up though!_

_Other ways of cheering yourself up:_

_Read your favorite book._

_Annoy someone. (My personal fave is Bella sex jokes and Edward emo jokes!)_

_If you have a light colored dog color it in with highlighters! Seth let me do it to him! Still hasn't washed off!_

_Make werewolf jokes to all your werewolf friends. (If you don't have any a hairy dude will work) _

_Alternatively you can always give me a call and I'll go all vampire on their ass._

_Love,_

_Uncle Emmett._

_Dear Uncle Emmett,___

Would Jasper be willing to date anyone other than Alice?

Are you scared of Rosalie?

How is Nessie?

Do you still make jokes about Bella's sex life?

_-Alexandra Shinai_

_Dear Alexandra_

_I doubt it! He's obsessed with that chickie. She's evil though, Jazz has been brainwashed. So if you invent a machine that goes BAM! Un-brain washed then you're good to have your way with innocent Jasper! _

_Hell yeah I'm scared of Rose! Only when I've done something naughty, which is all of the time! Rosalie's wild! Which Emmy likeys!_

_Nessie's great! The other day Jacob explained imprinting! She doesn't know Jacobs actually imprinted on her though, he's trying to hint it but Nessie has been around me to much and she's far to oblivious to notice the signs: continuous staring, drooling, cartoon eye-popping out thingy, 'casual touching', etc etc._

_Of course I do! How can I not! The best time to do it is when the game is on ;)_

_Dear Uncle Emmett,___

What are your favorite comics?

Do you like X-Men? Spiderman? Batman? Transformers? etc..

Who are your favorite characters?

Did you like how they put them into movies?

I love Transformers! :) Optimus Prime, Ratchet, Sideswipe, Bumblebee, and Ironhide are my favorites. :)

Peace,

YezzerBezzers

_Dear Yezzer_

_THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS!_

_I like X-men. My favorite is Wolverine when his claws and he's like "RAWWWWWR" That's rad. The Juggernaut is wicked too! When he's like "I'm the Juggernaut bitch RAWWWWWWR!" its great!_

_Spiderman rocks! Especially that guy with sunnies and a billion arms and he's like "RAAWWWWR GRRR." I liked the movie too, MJ is sexy :P_

_Batman is just freaky…_

_I really love transformers! BUMBLEBEE FTW! Guess who Jazz's favorite was? YOU GUESSED IT! Jazz. But bumblebee rocks! I love the movie too! Like when Shia was like "I got a light, and a disco ball *Flexys muscles* and the light reflects off the disco ball." :L Totally cracks me up!_

_Much love to ya Yezzer!_

_Uncle Emmett_

_Dear Uncle Emmett,___

If Edward was a duck, would he go quack, or would he be all moody and just frown? And, if he was a duck, do you think Bella would still love him in all his emo-duckiness?

Love forever, (DON'T TELL ROSE)

~ Broken

_Dear Broken_

_He's probably go "Quack…." A emo quack. But only if he HAD to quack other wise he'd be moody and frown. Can ducks frown? GOOGLE!_

_Yah Bella loves a vampire what's stopping her from loving a duck?_

_Quack,_

_Uncle Emmett_

_Dear Uncle Emmett,___

I am obsessed with Jasper Whitlock Hale (don't tell Alice, please). I swear, I am. I keep writing about him, thinking about him... It's weird.

P.S. Tell Jasper I love him... and ask if he will marry me! Don't tell Alice where I live or else she'll kill me. I live in a place that starts with Mich and ends with igan. Remember: Do NOT tell Alice but send Jasper here!

Love, destinyrosehere

_Dear Destiny_

_Uh-oh! You have to make a choice! Because Alice will see him going and go "RAWWWWR."_

_So you can have Jasper and Alice killing you or don't have Jazz at all._

_Alternatively I can come along and hold Alice back while you make out with Jasper? She'll get over it, eventually! OR we can get a werewolf to help us? Alice cant 'see' them?_

_Tap back on my plan! _

_Uncle Emmett_

_Dear Uncle Emmett,___

What am I thinking right now?

-WhiteTree

Emmett quickly skimmed over the next question and called for Edward.

"EDWERIDO!"

_Dear WhiteTree_

_You're thinking of the sexy, muscletastic, adorable, awesome, great, wicked Emmett._

_Why thank you,_

_Uncle Emmett._

**REVIEW WITH MORE QUESTIONS! URGENT: If you want your question answered from now on review on the LATEST chapter. If you review on the first one I prob wont see it. REMEMBER: Review the LATEST chapter with your question/s! Also not next chapter but the chapter after Im thinking about having a guest question answerer! Which character do you want?**

***Sorry for short answers, I wanted to get this up and there were lots of questions to get through!**


	7. Chapter 7

**I'm so god damn sorry. Writers block, tis a bitch.**

A day at the beach? Great fun.

A day at the beach with Emmett? Uh-oh.

Everyone had there doubts about taking Emmett out in public since Esme let him go to the supermarket with her. The manager will never get the smell of sardines of him.

But Emmett's continuous whining over the intercom at the hospital while Carlisle was performing vital surgery causing him to drop his scissors inside a patient led to Carlisle giving in because he knew Emmett wouldn't stop. Ever.

Emmett was half happy, half sad about his success. His sadness came from the disappointment of not being able to use the other tactics he had to annoy the hell out of his family.

Alice could already see the mischief that Emmett was to get up to when they past a squirrel stuck in a hole on their way to the beach and he laughed so had that his gum went flying and landed in Rosalie's hair. Emmett, Edward and Jasper had a hard time keeping quiet, who wants to be in a 100-meter radius when a self obsessed vampire figures out there's gum in her hair?

Three sandy hours later…

The family arrives home with a furious Rosalie with a clump of pink gum in her hair, a sobbing Jasper with his hand stuck in a coke can, the very same coke can that a certain somebody convinced held magical powers that will be activated with you try shove your hand in there, a sad Esme who's favorite china had been smuggled to the beach and used as Frisbees by a certain someone, a annoyed Bella that had sat down on her towel only to realize a certain vampire had dug a hole under it, a peeved of Edward who had his 'Pants on the ground' all because of a certain brother, a frustrated Carlisle that had been publicly embarrassed more than once by a certain son and a smug Alice who beamed at the exasperated family and said:

"I told you guys."

Emmett, feeling very unwanted in the living room of his ravenous vampires, slumped off to his room and plunked himself on the computer chair, he knew there were some people out there that wanted him, and he was going to answer all there questions that he had thoughtlessly neglected and now regretted it.

Dear Uncle Emmett

Would you rather kiss Jasper or Edward?

Who would be the better kisser in your opinion?

Have you ever tried it?

Has Alice seen it and pulled Jasper out of the way and with Edward too?

I am desperately curious!

-AliceJazz4eternity

Dear AliceJazz4eternity

Hmmmm… that's hard, seeing as they are both Emo.

NO! I haven't tried it! Have you smelt them! They have this… emo stench. Gah! Smells like baby moomoo's poopoos.

If I kiss Jasper, Alice would go "RAWWWWWWR."

And if I kissed Eddy, Bella would be all like *sigh* and turn emo herself!

Defiantly Jasper! Alice is funny when she's pissed ;D

I don't like seeing Bella emo; she doesn't react to my jokes! At all! She doesn't even get annoyed!

No I have never tried it, stop giving me ideas! I'm sure Alice will see it… I'll get Embry to be part of it somehow so she's 'blind'

MWAHAHAHAHA,

Uncle Emmett.

Dear Uncle Emmett

Who is your favorite brother? Tell the truth!

Love,

-DestinyRoseHere

Dear DestinyRoseHere

Hmmm… favoritism is wrong… *cough-JASPER-cough*

I mean Edward has his cool moments but HE won't play xBox with me, hmpf.

Jasper always plays with me, and I always win so that's a bonus. Maybe I should do one of those things where two people are doing lots of nice stuff to somebody to win something. Edward and Jasper can be really nice to me to get the title of favorite brother!

Wanna come watch?

Uncle Emmett.

Dear Uncle Emmett

Is it true that you secretly like teddy bears?

How can you call Edward feminine with YOUR secret out! Huh? Buahaha, the whole world will know your secret!

Love,

-DestinyRoseHere

Dear DestinyRoseHere

Secretly? Secret? Who doesn't know I like teddy bears? More importantly, WHO DOESN'T LIKE TEDDY BEARS?

Awwww, they're so cute! :D

I can call Edward feminine because he is, and that's that.

Awww,

Uncle Emmett.

Dear Uncle Emmett

How can I get turned into a vamp too!

Love,

Bite Me!

Dear Bite Me!

Go jump off a cliff and pray to dear Edward that Carlisle saves you.

Bajezzis,

Uncle Emmett.

Dear Uncle Emmett

What's your favorite holiday?

From,

Duckvader23

Dear Duckvader23

CATURDAY!

Meow,

Uncle Emmett.

Dear Uncle Emmett

My boyfriend dumped me and broke my heart in the process when he said he loved me :'( even if he just wants to be friend that is fine with me but he is mates with half of my friends and they wont talk to me because I am not going out with him any more

What should I do or say?

Love you

From,

jazzy AlIcAt

XXX

Dear Jazzy Allcat

Simple, they're not worth it.

They're not your real friends. Don't let them change you. (:

Dayyyuuum gurl!

Uncle Emmett

Hey Uncle Emmett!

I love my boyfriend to pieces, but he cheated on me with my best friend. They were both drunk at the time, but I dunno, I find it hard to get over it.

What should I do?

Lots of love,

the mirror girl

xxxxxxxxxx

Dear The Mirror Girl

Hey this is a good thing!

Cause there will be no more late night action movies. No more stinky farts suffocating you. No more shortage of food. No more mountain climbing in the rain. No more chest hairs clogging up the drain. No more money wasted on pointless shit.

You're better without him.

I bet he's saying to himself that he'll find someone like you, but there's no way, your one of a kind.

But if you're still unhappy I'll come and kick his butt until his nose bleeds, eh?

Love,

Uncle Emmett.

**I love you guys, so much. Felix says hi! (My one true love :L)**

**IT'S CATURDAY YAY!**

**QUESTIONS! QUESTIONS! QUESTIIIIOOOONS! **


	8. Chapter 8

It was a very boring day at the office for Emmett, yes Emmett works in an office, and no he hasn't been fired… yet.

But even Emmett struggles to make the Corporation of Studies to Invent Indestructible Objects' office exciting. His co-workers don't seem to appreciate the effort goes through to brighten and make their day more entertaining.

Ms. Jennison did NOT enjoy it when Emmett swapped the sugar jar with the salt jar in the office kitchen, her coffee break was ruined.

The Boss did NOT seem pleased when all his important papers were stapled to his desk and he wasn't very happy when Emmett brung him a coffee to make up for it and spilt it all over his desk and lap. I suppose that was a good thing Emmett saved him from having a salty coffee.

But Rosalie was VERY happy when her darling Emmett returned into here arms once more.

At the end of a long hard day Emmett settled down to his computer to give advice to some of the few people he felt needed with.

_Dear Uncle Emmett,___

My friends all think I'm crazy and I don't care really, but I want revenge! Any ideas on how to?

Also, my friends think I'm like Alice 'cause I'm hyper all the time, and it's getting annoying because I actually answer to it now? What annoying nickname can I call them?

Lots of rainbows and bunnies and haggles,

Iggy-is-my-imprint

_Dear Iggy_

_OMG I KNOW SOMEONE WHOS DOGS NAME IS IGGY!_

_You do sound cra-zay! But what's wrong with that? I'm crazy!_

_But if you really want revenge… I'm your man!_

_If I was a superhero I would be called SUPER REVENGE… man… guy… vampire…dude!_

_Just do some practical jokes!_

_Ya' know, classic hole beneath the beach towel, glad wrap on the toilet seat and my personal favorite MIX UP THE SALT AND THE SUGAR! :D_

_As for nicknames..._

_Cheeseweasel, jamface, buttmuncher, powderpuff, monkeysnatcher, catlicker, hipporaper, surprisesexer, yooper, willyfoofoo, I could go on FOREVER._

_Hope I helped (:_

_Loads of lovey for you,_

_Uncle Emmett._

_Dear Uncle Emmett,  
__  
There was this guy at school and called my best friend a B**** and so I told him to get shot. So he told the principal and I think I'm going to get suspended, But no one was standing up for her and I couldn't let her be called names when she's not even mean to anyone!_

Thanks,

Sister Bear.

_Dear Sister Bear_

_THAT RHYMES! ^^^_

_Don't worry, you shouldn't be suspended for that. Talk to the principal about it. Calling someone a B**** is so much worse than telling someone to get shot! I'll shoot him myself. Don't worry matey :3_

_Aideos,_

_Uncle Emmett._

_Dear Uncle Emmett,___

How old are you in dog years?

Whens your birthday?

Why do you think Edward is so whiney?

Do you think secretly the gummybears are planning to take over the world?

I think Jasper and Edward are gay together, do you agree?

Can we hang out sometime?

You'r my favorite Cullen Boy,

-`*Luna McQuate*`- 

_Dear Luna McQuate_

_735, WOOF!_

_1__st__ April, why? Wanna send me prezzys? :D_

_Because he is! "BLAH BLAH BLAH BELLA, I VANNA SUCK HER BLOOD, BUT I CAN'T, I LUB HER TO MUCCCCCH, I HOPE THAT JACOB DOESN'T KISS HER, OME! HE KISSED HER, AWWW NO WHAT DO I DO? WHY DOES SHE LOVE ME THIS IS WRONG!" OMG EDWARD SHUDDUP!_

_Yes, yes I do. They and their little gummy children and preparing their little gummy guns and gummy bombs and gummy jet planes and little gummy TNT THAT WILL EXPLODE IN OUR BELLEH! _

_I do not agree. As Jasper is too noob at COD to be gay. And when he loses he goes crying to ALICE rather than Edward._

_YES!_

_You're my favorite McQuate girl (:_

_Uncle Emmett._

_Dear Uncle Emmett,___

Do you like The Sims?

Would you care if Bella (or anyone but Rosalie) crushed on you?

_-Alexandra Shinai_

_Dear Alex_

_I lurve the Sims!_

_My favorite part is doing that boolprop cheat and throwing meteorites at them! Or getting them attacked by flys._

_I downloaded this top for my sim but for some reason everyone can wear it, so when I had a baby it had a adults top on and it was all mutated, it was pretty hilarious!_

_Everyone crushes on me, duh! ;) Even you, I know it. I know everything._

_Can't blame them either._

_Ciao,_

_Uncle Emmett._

Emmett felt his chest swell, after all everyone crushes on the sexy Emmett!

**GUYS! REVIEW! I'M SERIOUS! **

**I need more questions! REALLY BADLY!**

**Thanx, love you (:**


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Uncle Emmett,

I just don't know what to do anymore.. I dated this guy.. And I fell for him... I loved him (though I hadn't gotten to the point that I told him) And I still love him.. He told me he loved me one day and then less then 24 hours later broke up with me and told me I had to young of a mindset and that I need to live life, and that he's to mature for me and that he needs to slow down.. I love him,,, And I feel used.. I know I'm better off without him.. But I cant get over him.. I wonder if he feels the same way... What should i do Uncle Emmett?

BTW: Your like my favorite cullen. And Rosalie If flipping Beautiful! Tell her I said Hi and she's Gorgeous :)

Love, Dazed in love

Dear Dazed in love,

Is this guy older than you? Because seriously in what world is a male more mature than a female! I'm assuming you're quite young and this may seem like the end of the world, but never fear Emmett is here! You're young, heartbreak happens and will happen but it's totally worth it when you find someone worth suffering for.

If you really, really, really, really, REALLY want him back, just talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel and if he still doesn't want you then he's stupid, and most guys are.

So just move on, or try to anyways. You'll find someone better (: (Someone like me! :D)

Rosalie says "THIS GIRL RECOGNISES TRUE BEAUTY. I'M SO HOT BLAHBLAH." Or something like that, I'm paraphrasing.

Good luck, message me is you need me!

Uncle Emmett.

Dear Uncle Emmett,

Do you think I'm insane? My friends all think I'm insane, but I'm really not... well I am but not as much as they think I am.

duckvader23

Dear duckvader23

Everyone is insane to some degree, the more insane you are the better! :D But yaknow, not like murdering insane… because that's just… insane.

Don't turn to a life of crime,

Uncle Emmett.

Dear uncle Emmett

my mom has been acting weird lately, she's actually been nice! how weird is that? has she been taken over by edward? if so how can i stop him from making her so crazy!

also, can you trick seth into coming to my house so i can play COD with him please! (yes i'm a girl who can play it! HOTWHEELS, BEAT THAT!) can you bring jacob too! and you can come! we'll have a rave!

and crazy people will eventually take over the world with magical turlte sheep! and cat cows! are you with me?

lots of rainbows and bunnies and hUggles! (with a u, haggle is something completely different!)

iggy-is-my-imprint oxo

Dear Iggy

Edward has a power to make people nice -.- Once he made me say sorry to Jasper. ME. SAY SORRY. WHAT THE HELL. Put some chillaxing drugs in her drinks (; NO DON'T. That's probably illegal.

I can't trick Seth into anything, he's smarter than me :l COME TO MY HOUSE AND PLAY WITH ME AND HIM, KAY? DONE. Brb, getting my broombroom cars out.

I'm so with you. Those magical turtle sheep have been to Hogwarts… or… turtwarts! SHEEPWARTS! GET IT? Ohhhhh, I'm so funny. I'm crazy.. does that mean I'LL take over the world?

You the bomb Iggstar,

Uncle Emmett.

Dear Uncle Emmett,  
  
I'm adopted and my bio mom is harassing me. She left the states in order to get away from prison, but now her mom is lurking around my house and its scaring me to go outside or even to school. What should I do?

Alimor-Chan

Dear Alimor-Chan

Oh my god? Seriously?

Call the popo! (Police)

I hope you're okay D:

Uncle Emmett.

Dear Uncle Emmett,

so i was wondering if bella couldn't have edward what do you think would happen to her?  
lots of love,  
the pixie-like vampire

Dear the pixie-like vampire

She'd be all zombie like she was when we left. PUHLEASE, get some friends woman. (Bella, not you)

Uncle Emmett.


End file.
